Today I turn 35 years old. Each year on my birthday (and the days leading up to my birthday) I reflect on what I feel like I did well that year, how I grew, and what things I hope to do better. My birthday happens to fall at the end of the year and so I have always felt like I fell into the "New Year's Resolution" group if I talked about my goals for the upcoming year. I don't think there is anything wrong with goals or resolutions for the next year, but they seem to have a bad rap and people just wait to see you "fail" at them. I have never wanted that energy given to me and the things I aspire to be better at or new skills I want to learn... this year I am throwing caution to the wind, and I am owning it.
Last year my in-laws were visiting on my birthday. I woke up late as the kids were excited for time with grandma and papa, but my father-in-law was gone. A short time later he returned with an ENORMOUS birthday cake for me and told me the lady at the bakery assured him it was the best tasting cake. She was right of course and I think we ate cake for breakfast that day, I cant quiet remember. But as I was getting ready for the day I was overcome with emotion and gratitude that I had people who loved me and I was not so sure why it was such a big deal, most people get cake on their birthday. The next day I went to Verizon to return the overpriced iPhone Cheston had purchased for me in hopes to order from Apple and save $150-$200... without going into too much detail it was probably one of my most embarrassing moments of my life (I still feel justified in my frustration with the situation, but not the way I expressed it). I left the store manager with her in tears and drove straight to Cheston to let him know how terrible I had been treated (and how I made the lady cry) and it was his turn to figure it out. Of course he fixed it calmly and the store manager tried to make it all right and even hugged me when I left.... which I hated 😅
Why do I say all of this? After those two completely polarizing experiences within 24 hours I knew I need to figure out what in the world was happening. This year I have done a lot of focusing on myself. I have looked at my health, both physical and mental. I have sought therapy. My therapist has helped me to heal from my pregnancy loss in 2019 and I am learning that my life doesn't need to be a to do list. I am learning its okay to put my needs first and others second. I am proud of the work I have put in, even with so much left to do. But one of the biggest thing I think I have learned is that I distract myself to cope. So this year along with continuing therapy, taking care of my body, and putting my most important needs above others I am going to be more mindful about being present.
Today I was present. I recorded a "toy show" with my girls while Trey slept, for a full 20 minutes, without the thought that I had some tidying up to do.. or that I was really tired and could use a rest. I asked Riley to help me make dinner, and I am starting early enough so that I don't feel like she is in the way while I rush to make dinner. I put Trey down for his nap late (which is a really hard thing for me to do) so Cheston's office could surprise me with cake and lunch. And I let Finley lay in bed with me during quiet time instead of telling her she needed to leave me alone.
Some of you may read that and think that I am the worst mother if those are not normal daily things for me to do. But I don't think I am. My needs are just different, and my triggers are different. I am learning to find a balance of meeting my needs and being there for others instead of having the extremes of needing hours of alone time to feel human and stretching myself so thin that I don't have any time to dedicate to myself. So this year I will be more present. I will put my phone and other distractions down more, I may not get down and play on the floor as much as most moms... but I will do it more this year than last year. I will never let go of the peace a clean home brings me, but I will allow myself to put some things on hold longer. People don't tell you really how hard this parenting thing is. They don't tell you how much you lose yourself, how much you give up for the tiny humans... well maybe they do, I just didn't understand until I was a mother myself. And in case no one told you losing a pregnancy is rough, not matter if the pregnancy was completely unexpected or not. I think the last one almost killed me... it sure did kill my spirit there for a long time, and I am grateful that I am finding my way back.
When I turn 36 next year I hope to look back with pride, just like this year, no matter how hard the year may be... I will know I tried my best, and my best is ALWAYS good enough.
